Treason and coconuts
by lizzabet
Summary: Set after 2.08. The beating changed everything for Serena Joy. Fred brings Serena to Canada to keep her close and there she meets Mark. Mark offers freedom, but is Serena really brave enough to leave Gilead and commit treason? And what about June and her unborn baby? So she saves the card.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N This story is inspired by an interview I saw with Yvonne Strahovski where she says that the writers had written something for the Canada episode which she and Joseph thought was too much. But I still wondered what if it did happen...**

She knew he only wanted her with him so that he could keep an eye on her. If she was left alone there was no telling in what she could do. What paperwork she would forge, what she and June could plot together.

But the beating she took had served its purpose and created distance between her and June. Not because the handmaid had simply stood by and watched as that belt lashed her over and over again, because hadn't Serena done the same thing every month when holding June down as her husband raped her, as they raped her. No, the distance came from the embarrassment she felt. A commander's wife was supposed to be at the top of the food chain, they weren't supposed to be humiliated like this in front of someone who was lesser than herself. Was this really the way she envisioned the world? She never intended on things to go this far.

All she ever wanted was a daughter. But she was considered a barren woman; she and Fred had tried again and again, pre-Gilead, without any result. And she knew she wasn't the only woman who wasn't able to bare a child. She just wanted the women who could to help those who desperately wanted a family.

As a child she had been taught to read the Bible and her parents had shaped her into the person she became, to believe that women were less than men, that a wife should obey her husband. Hell, she even decided to write a book about this. She had wanted to save the country. There was the environment issue and the decrease in child birth. If they continued like that, the human race would die and so would the planet.

Though along the way she had lost control next to her husband. He had taken over, together with other men of power, whoever they were, and they had created the laws that forbid women from reading or writing, and that the husbands had to have sex with the handmaid's with the wives present in the room.

How could she ever let her own child grow up in a place like this? If her husband could beat her, what could he do with her child?

The belt had left marks on her body, bruises just under the swell of her ass, a reminder of what he did to her and that he could do worse if she continued. She had cried for herself. For the loss of her husband because she knew deep down that they were no longer partners, only on paper. Fred had let her forge his signature while he was stuck in the hospital, and perhaps she could admit that she'd taken the liberty to change some of the memos to fit her own will, but when she came to him about baby Angela he had just refused her. How could he not want to do everything in his power to help a child of Gilead? Wasn't the children the most important thing? June might have been the one who persuaded her to take matters in her own hands, but she wouldn't blame her for the outcome. No, she didn't regret any of what she was about to do. Baby Angela was dying and Serena wasn't about to sit by and watch. Fred would forgive her. He loved her after all.

Or so she thought.

These bruises told her something else. Fred could've just scolded her, forgiven her. No one else knew the truth, he didn't have to beat her, to make amends. And June, bless her heart, stood outside her door, wondering how she was doing. Everything fucking hurt, would be her answer. But instead she asked her to leave. She needed to be alone.

The day after, when Fred told her she was accompanying him to Canada, she had tried to fight him, tell him that she was needed at home. What if the baby arrived and both of them were in Canada. Fred wouldn't have any of that, though, and soon they were sitting on a plane to Canada.

Sitting down was hard, her backside aching from the fabric of her dress sticking to her bruises. Serena didn't even want to look at her husband, but she could feel his cold eyes boring into her. Instead she kept her eyes on the window, clenching her jaw hard to appear like nothing bothered her, but Fred knew her better than that.

"We've been blessed with nice weather. Perhaps we can take a stroll in the park when we get there," he said, knowing she would love a walk in God's nature.

Serena didn't answer him though. She didn't even acknowledge the suggestion.

"You know I had to do it," the other man said, and he almost sounded sympathetic. Almost. "You understand that, don't you? I let you forget your place and I had to remind you."

This time she glanced at him. Cold, blue eyes meeting his dark ones. She had to take a deep breath to calm herself from the seething anger that was bound to explode. "Of course." She gave him a forced smile that he could no doubt see through.

Slowly she stood up, hissing quietly, not wanting him to see the agonizing pain she was in. He grabbed her wrist, tighter than he would've before the explosion.

"Where are you going?" He asked her.

"I want to get some rest and I can't do that with you staring me down," she said under her breath. "Dear…" She added like a last blow before she walked to the back of the plane.

When they touched ground in Canada she was actually nervous. It was no secret they didn't like the way Gilead was run, and she had no doubt their people would act accordingly. Though she didn't expect their welcome as soon as they got off the plane. People were shouting at them, holding signs to get their attention, and she didn't want to tear her eyes away from them. Fred opened the door to the dark vehicle and she stepped inside, scooting to the other side to make room for her husband.

"It's a circus out there. They can't even control their own people," Fred shook his head amused, his hand taking a hold of Serena's. She wanted to pull away, but they needed to show a united front. She couldn't exactly go against her husband, could she?

As they drove through the city, Serena couldn't help but to be drawn to the scenes outside the window. The women wore normal clothes, none the same, and they were happily talking to each other without the threat of an armed guardian next to them. Some were typing on their phones, some enjoying a cup of coffee and a couple were kissing right in the middle of the street. Is this what they gave up when Gilead was created? When she had created Gilead? Everyone looked so free, like they could do whatever the heck they wanted. They were all so happy.

The car pulled up to the hotel too soon and she didn't want to go out to more screaming Canadians. The stroll in the park was really out of the question, but at least the hotel had a bar. She could really use a drink right about now.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N Okay, so I will officially issue a warning here for rape. I don't know how the writer's had written this scene in the end of this chapter and I don't know his reasons behind it so I had to make this up. I only know that both Yvonne and Joseph thought it was too much and refused to do it. I wonder if everything would've played out the same in the events after the Canada episode. **

Chapter 2

Serena carefully approached the bar and ordered something to drink, a Riesling, by the glass. Fred had already gone away on meetings and there was not a lot for her to do here. There was a time when she was the one going to meetings and holding presentations, but she no longer had a voice. She wasn't allowed at the council meetings back home, so she shouldn't have been surprised when he quickly dismissed her here. That just proved her reason for being there even more. Fred certainly didn't need her, she had no business in Canada, he just wanted to keep his eye on her. Yet, here she was, alone in the bar. But what shenanigans could she get into here?

As she waited she removed her coat and her gloves, feeling quite out of place in her teal colored dress. A man went up to the bar next to her and she couldn't help but to glance his way. Sitting down on the bar stool, her eyes followed his movements as he grabbed a cigarette and dropped the package on the bar. Oh, how she could kill for a smoke right now. But still she didn't say yes when he offered her one.

"Sorry, Sir, there's no smoking at the bar. You'll have to go outside," the bartender said before handing Serena her glass of wine. She couldn't help but to smile at the man as he tried to argue for his right to smoke inside when it was so cold outside, but he folded quickly.

The smile was still tugging on Serena's lips as she took her glass and coat, and moved to a table, one close to the window so she'd be able to watch the people outside. She was surprised when the man from the bar followed her, but perhaps she shouldn't have been. The press was probably dying to hear from her. Though she was not about to give them that satisfaction. Sure, she was flattered when he called her beautiful, but this was all just a way to get an interview. And she told him that she wouldn't talk to the press.

"Lucky me, I'm not the press," he told her with a crooked smile and she glanced to the empty chair next to him, allowing him a seat.

Again, he offered her a cigarette and she really wanted to accept it, but she had decided to quit when June got pregnant. No Offred. She had to be Offred to her. She had been told smoking wasn't good for the baby and even if she wasn't the one who was pregnant, she'd put out her last cigarette.

Mark Tuello he introduced himself as. And she introduced herself as Mrs. Waterford. Not Serena, even if she wanted him to know her name. Though, he probably already knew.

"Blessed day," she told him after shaking his hand and took a sip from her white wine.

"Blessed day be you," he replied and she looked down slightly. There was something in the way he looked at her, so different from her husband and she would lie if she said she wasn't enjoying it. Since Gilead was created her husband had paid little attention to her, no affection or intimacy whatsoever. But that's how things were supposed to go right? Though he had chosen to be intimate with their handmaids, outside of the ceremony. Nothing could excuse such a behavior.

Mark Tuello did want something from her, just like she thought. Although he wasn't from the press or the embassy, he was from the American Government, and wanted to help her. Fly her off to Hawaii, a new life. Freedom. Could she really start over?

"I'm afraid I didn't pack for the beach," she said instead, her eyes never leaving him.

"You can tell your story in your own words. You write it and we will publish it."

"A Commander's wife would make excellent propaganda," she agreed.

"A well-spoken Commander's wife."

He wanted her to commit treason. Treason. She couldn't imagine doing that to her country, or to her husband. The people in Gilead had become powerful and after last night she knew she wasn't safe from any punishment. If she wrote this piece, she would end up on the wall. Her husband would certainly be enraged and would not stop looking for her.

"So far you've only offered me treason and coconuts," she said to let him know that she wasn't about to take this deal, even if the coconuts seemed very tempting.

She had expected press to be all over her, but she had not expected Mark Tuello with his sincere words, his willingness to help, that caring nature. This reminded her so much of her husband pre-Gilead when they were actually a happy couple, or she would've liked to think they were. Except that she couldn't have children. Now this man sitting next to her tells her that she might be able to after all? That Fred was the problem all along. The Commander hadn't been able to make their handmaid's pregnant, in fact a lot of families had that problem. That's why a lot of people resorted to cheating and getting their handmaids pregnant in other ways. She had done so herself.

Just imagine feeling life growing in her own body. She had felt the baby in June kicking and had been so amazed by it.

When Mark understood he wasn't getting any further with Serena, he stood up and decided to leave, telling her that they'd hopefully see each other again. And she realized she wanted that too. Both because she found she actually liked his company, and because she needed to think about his offer before accepting it. A part of her still wanted to disappear right now. The man left his cigarettes and matches and as soon as he was out of sight she reached forward and quickly put them in her pocket. Was this a gift for her? This man had only talked to her for ten minutes and he already knew her so well.

The supposedly uneventful day had left Serena with more to think about than she would've thought. Perhaps Fred had made a mistake bringing her here because at home she wouldn't have been filled with thoughts of treason… and coconuts. When she had waited for the elevator that day she had seen a little girl who'd asked if she was a princess, but the mother hadn't wanted the girl near her. Never before had she viewed herself as someone who wasn't fit to be around children. That had certainly struck her hard, even if she knew that wasn't true. Serena would never harm a child. Hell, she went out of the world and broke a couple of laws to get baby Angela help, and suffered greatly for it.

"Ah, there you are," Fred said as he entered the room as if he had been looking for her, as if she had many options of where to go.

"How did the meetings go?" Serena asked, sitting on the edge of the bed and pulling her hair down.

"I think we're reaching an understanding," he said, apparently keeping his hopes up.

Though Serena knew they weren't just going to make a deal with Gilead that quickly, the meeting with Mark Tuello told her so, no matter how powerful Gilead was. Fred came to sit next to her on the bed and helped her unzip her dress, even though she never asked him to.

"How was your day, dear?" he asked, a hand moving across her now exposed back.

Serena couldn't remember the last time he'd seen her naked and right now she didn't feel comfortable with his presence. She felt particularly vulnerable under his touch and she wasn't sure if she'd be able to sleep in the same hotel room as him. At least he had gotten them separate beds, which would have made her laugh pre-Gilead.

"Not as eventful as yours," she told him, already deciding not to tell him about Mark. Even if she hadn't agreed to his terms, she didn't want Fred to worry she might and tighten that leash further. "I shall go change."

She used a hand to keep the dress from falling to the floor as she stood up, but before she was even able to take a step her husband grabbed her free wrist.

"No, stay. Let me help you," he spoke under his breath and stood up, his eyes meeting hers in an intense stare.

One of his hands moved up to her cheek and swallowed hard as his thumb brushed over her lips before slowly leaning in and kissing them. For so long she had wanted him to be intimate with her again, instead of with their handmaid, but now she just wanted to get away from him. His other hand grabbed the hand holding her dress up, letting the thick fabric fall to the floor, leaving her exposed in front of him.

"Fred, you need to stop," she finally dared to say, letting out a breath.

"I'm your husband," he whispered, placing a kiss on her neck which he knew she liked. And she usually did, but right now this made her skin crawl. "And I want to make love to my wife."

Serena tried to step away from Fred, get her hand out of his strong grip, but he wouldn't stop. Why wouldn't he stop? Why wouldn't he listen to her anymore? Was this another way of punishing her? She knew this was another way to put her in her place, to show her that it was her duty to obey her husband. You can't rape your wife anyways.

"Fred, listen to me," she tried again, and she was embarrassed at how panicky her voice sounded. "You don't really want to do this. Let's talk."

Fred stopped kissing her neck and looked into her eyes, a darkness present that she had never seen in him. She wanted to run away from there and never look back, but she knew it was too late. If only she had accepted Mark Tuello's offer earlier that day, then none of this would have happened.

"You never learn, do you? It's time you remember your place, Serena," he said and with one hard shove she landed on the bed, a gasp escaping her lips as her bruised backside connected with the usually soft surface.

Serena looked up at her husband as he removed his pants, imagining what would happen if she just kicked him in his groin. Would she be able to run away from him then? Probably not. She turned her face to the side as he climbed on top of her and she could feel a tear sliding down her cheek. This must be how June felt every time she held her wrists as Fred was raping her. And the times when Fred had taken her to Jezebel, where Serena had chosen to blame June, to yell at the handmaid for her husband sick games. Serena still wasn't sure how many women Fred had raped in the commanders' own personal whorehouse. This was not the country Serena had wanted.

A sob escaped her lips when Fred thrust himself inside of her and she closed her eyes hard to try to focus on anything but the excruciating pain that followed. She wondered what would happen if she actually screamed bloody murder right now. Sure, Fred would be pissed, but other occupants of this hotel would react and come to her rescue. They would arrest Fred and she would fly off to never be seen again.

Before she could make her voice obey her, a strong hand gripped her jaw harshly and turned her face straight. "Look at me Serena," Fred panted as he repeatedly thrust into her lifeless body. Her eyes were wide open and she could swear she felt bile rise up her throat as he planted a wet kiss on her lips. Serena knew it was stupid, but she just wanted to feel a small ounce of control, so she bit down on his lip. Hard enough to draw blood she realized has she felt the taste of iron.

Fred groaned and his backhand connected with her cheek quickly. Through the pain, Serena couldn't help but to feel satisfied with herself for fighting back. But it didn't make him stop. The action only made him thrust harder and faster until finally he came deep inside her with an inhuman growl that she had never heard leave his body before. He pulled out and stood up, straightening the shirt he was still wearing. Serena remained on the bed right where he left her, just like June would do after a ceremony, only she wasn't trying to increase the chances of a pregnancy. She just didn't want to move when his eyes were on her.

"Everything will be back to normal," he hummed and walked over to his bed, sitting down and removing the rest of his clothes to change into his blue pajamas. Serena waited a few minutes before she dared to sit up and walked toward the bathroom, feeling the hot liquid slowly running down her legs. She felt disgusting.

How was everything supposed to go back to normal after this?


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N I'm jumping ahead a little in this chapter because in this story Serena didn't suggest they'd rape June to induce labor... So I skipped forward to when the baby is born. I think I said this before, but we will kind of follow the storyline of the Handmaid's Tale, with a few changes and the main focus being on Serena. As we arrive to season 3 in my story, there will be a lot more unseen scenes so bear with me.**

**Also, I'm currently a few chapters ahead and I can't decide if Serena should tell June about Canada or not? What do you think?**

Chapter 3

As they arrived home to the quietness that was their house, Serena felt numb. She didn't know how she even managed to step onto the plane that took them back to Gilead. Nothing in her wanted to go back, but still her legs had carried her up the steps and into the aircraft. Her mind swirled with thoughts of Mark's offer and she imagined just turning back and running into his arms, wanting him to save her. Maybe if she could've whispered into his ear what her husband had made her do the night before, maybe he wouldn't let her go, maybe Fred would've been arrested on the spot.

Their stay in Canada had been shortened when someone had published a bunch of letters written by women in Gilead and Canada refused to make a deal. Serena was surprised they let them go back after what the letters said, but a car had been waiting for them to take them to the airport. Among the protesters she had seen the picture of June and frankly, it broke her heart to see her husband yelling for his wife. She only wished Fred cared this much about her as June's husband did. Fred was a rapist. He'd raped June, he'd raped their previous handmaid, he'd raped the jezebels and now he had raped her. When did he start to hate women that much?

June stood next to Rita and Eden, forming a perfect line, just like they always did when greeting someone's return. Serena nodded to them as she walked past them, refusing to meet June's eyes. The handmaid had a way of knowing when things were wrong and Serena didn't want to answer any probing questions, afraid that she would snap and make a scene. For some reason, June had always become a punching bag for her when she needed to release some of her emotions. But not this time, she couldn't do that. Her eyes flickered to June's stomach. As soon as that baby was out she could get rid of June and go on with her life. Perhaps Fred would change if they didn't have the temptation of a handmaid in the household. Of course, he could still visit his whorehouse whenever he wanted, there was no changing that. Handing her coat to Rita, she ascended the stairs, deciding to get some shuteye since she had barely slept the night before. She didn't even bother to get undressed before she fell onto the bed on her stomach and closed her eyes, drifting off to sleep.

_Several weeks later_

Everything seemed to change when the baby finally arrived. For the first time there was something in her life worth living for and she didn't dream about disappearing. Sure, Mark Tuello would still visit her in her dreams at night, asking her to find her way back to him, to take the offer before it was too late. Too late for what she never knew, but she could imagine her subconscious meant the wall. That's where she felt she was meant to end up one way or another. But she had tried to lay low around Fred and not talk back to him, be the perfect submissive wife that he always wanted. Sometimes she felt like she would lose it as she sat there knitting her umpteenth pair of baby socks, as if her baby would even have time to use them all. She only did it to pass time, but she was incredibly bored. June had tried to strike up a conversation, being the same nosy woman, but Serena had shut her down and silently hoped her water would just break already.

Now finally it had and little baby Nichole was out in the world. Serena was smiling again for the first time since the day she met Mark. Her baby girl was so beautiful and she just couldn't stop watching her, even when she slept. The small voice in her head that told her this wasn't her baby was pushed aside to keep herself sane and happy. June didn't live upstairs anymore either which had made her feel calmer, even if her husband seemed more restless. He hadn't spent as much time with their child as she had and sometimes she couldn't help but to wonder if he even wanted a kid, or if this just was a way to further get power. A commander without a kid would look bad.

Aunt Lydia came to visit her one day with a matter to discuss, other than giving Serena a bottle of breastmilk that June had pumped. According to the older lady June was having problems pumping which meant that her daughter wouldn't get enough milk. The suggestion was for June to move back in temporarily, until Nichole was past the breastfeeding stage. The presence of a child would help June's body to produce the milk and be able to get it out of her breasts. Serena wanted to call bullshit, figuring this was just another scheme from their handmaid to get close to her baby. But Serena wasn't as cold-hearted as everyone seemed to believe, so she agreed to this arrangement. This was why handmaids usually stayed for a while after the baby was born after all.

"Mrs. Waterford," June nodded as she entered the front door after aunt Lydia, and in a way her greeting felt like a slap in the face.

"Under his eye," she replied and nodded to Lydia who replied with the same phrase. "You can leave your things in your room."

Serena watched June walk past her up the stairs before saying goodbye to the aunt. The blonde woman had never felt comfortable in the company of an aunt so she didn't want to stand around chit-chatting with the older lady. After closing the door she ascended the stairs and made her way toward Nichole's room. The little girl looked up at her and Serena knew it was time for her feeding, but this time she would need June's help. She envied the other woman for being able to do something she couldn't, something she had dreamt about for so long.

"Offred," Serena called up the narrow staircase that led up to the handmaid's room. "Would you come down for a minute." She was almost sure she could hear the other woman sigh, but she would not comment on it. She would not give June that satisfaction.

Heavy steps descended the stairs, as if dragging herself downstairs was a huge effort, until she stood in front of Serena. "Yes?"

Serena tilted her chin up to the side and swallowed down whatever emotion she was feeling. "Nichole needs to be fed," she said without meeting June's eyes. She felt unbelievably uncomfortable asking someone else to feed her baby.

"Of course," June nodded and followed Serena to the nursery. The handmaid walked slowly to the bassinet and looked inside, a small smile spreading across her face. "Hey, baby," she whispered as she picked up the girl and held her close to her body.

Serena chose to look away for the time being and only caught small glimpses of the exchange between her daughter and her daughter's biological mother. The handmaid hadn't had a choice in giving away her child and Serena could see how much the other woman also loved the baby. This was dangerous for them all. They had all watched Ofwarren almost jump off a bridge with baby Angela because she missed her child so much, and because Commander Putnam had promised his handmaid they'd run away together. That made her wonder what Fred had secretly promised June. Would they take Nichole and run off together the first chance they got? No, Serena would never let that happen.

"Serena…" June started and her head snapped to the handmaid, still not used to hearing her first name leaving those lips. Maybe in a past life they could've been good friends. She had really enjoyed some of the moments they'd spent together, until June thought she could ask for a favor, to use her, as if she had the power to help. "Are you alright?"

The question didn't surprise her and Serena's face didn't display any emotion as she looked away from June again, or at least she hoped the other woman didn't see through her façade. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"It's just…" Serena could tell June didn't know how to say whatever she wanted to say, which seemed so very unlike her. Just say it God damn it. Please. "Nothing."

Another surprise. "Put her to sleep when you're done," Serena said before June would have time to speak again, a part of her knowing what the handmaid really wanted to address. The woman had tried to ever since she got back from Canada, but Serena did not want any of that. Leaving the room, she decided to trust the other woman to be alone with Nichole, even if she didn't want them to form a strong connection to each other.

Actually a part of Serena wanted June to ask her about it, just so she had someone to talk to, someone who had been through the same thing, but perhaps ten times worse. June understood what she was going through, at least. Though, Serena was an expert at keeping quiet and leave all the feelings bottled up inside of her. Until she exploded.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Eden had done something stupid. The girl had fallen in love with a guardian and tried to run away. She was a lovely girl and Serena hated seeing her go in such a horrible way. Who had come up with these punishments anyways? Even if Eden had broken the law, Serena didn't think she deserved to die. She was only a child, too young to get married and start a family. The meeting with her father had struck something inside of Serena. Eden had only been found because her father had turned her in. And Fred had been pleased about that, of course. What would happen when Nichole grew up and fell in love with someone she wasn't meant to be with? There was no doubt that Fred would also be the one to turn her in.

A chill crawled down her back as Fred asked about Eden's little sister, as if she was old enough to take her sister's place. It sounded perverted coming from his lips, especially when she knew what he was capable of. Unlike Serena, who was still trying to play the perfect wife, June couldn't keep quiet. She actually scolded the father for turning in his daughter and Serena's first instinct would've been to cheer her on, but now she just looked at the handmaid as she was removed from the room. But everything she said was true. How could a parent want any harm to their child? If Serena was ever put in that position, she would do everything in her power to protect her daughter. She would help her out of the country and possibly go with her.

After the meeting, Serena brought Nichole out to the greenhouse, hoping that some gardening and spending some time with her daughter would make her feel better. This was her safe place where she could be alone, and most people knew not to disturb her in here. There had been times Fred would enter, probably only to show her he could if he wanted to, but usually she was alone. The woman leaned down to her baby, grabbing the small hand and bringing her lips down to kiss it. Serena wondered if loving someone more than she loved Nichole was possible.

"I will always protect you," she whispered before standing up, and picking up the watering can. Slowly she tilted the can, letting a shower of small strays hit the dirt below her lilies. "Aren't the lilies beautiful? The flowers are really blooming." Nichole's only response was a quiet gurgle, but that was enough for Serena. "The secret is to keep the soil evenly moist, not too much water, and be careful to put them in direct sunlight. They do just as well away from the sun."

Serena put down the watering can and looked down at her daughter, rearranging the blanket, when the door to the greenhouse opened. So much for a little peace and quiet.

"Mrs. Waterford," the handmaid said, actually waiting before stepping further inside.

"Come in," Serena said, returning to her previous task of tending to her flowers. "Nichole and I were just talking about lilies"

"She have a lot to say?" June wondered, throwing a glance at the baby before looking back at Serena.

Serena put down the flower pot and hesitated a moment. "Yeah, quite a lot." She still wasn't sure what the other woman wanted, why she was even here. "Can I help you with something?"

The small book in June's hands hadn't caught her attention until now when June moved toward her. "I found this…" Serena's eyes looked down at the beige colored forbidden object. "…in Eden's things. Serena look…" June opened the book and Serena couldn't take her eyes of it. She flipped through the pages and the taller woman caught glimpses of writing. "She wrote notes all over it."

The handmaid slowly handed over the book and Serena hesitantly took it and let her eyes move over the page, catching the words written. "Seems like Eden was hiding a multitude of sins," Serena spoke quietly, wanting to read everything. Even holding this book right now was a sin which they could both be punished for.

The statement was met by silence until June shook her head, not knowing whether to laugh or not. "What sins?"

Serena Joy furrowed her eyebrows slightly as she looked at the handmaid. "What?"

"What sins was she hiding? Serena…"

"She wasn't strong enough," Serena said and she could see the disbelief in June's face.

"She was fifteen years old," June argued.

"Yes, she was fifteen years old. She should've been smarter." If she had been smarter she wouldn't have been caught. If she'd waited to run away. If she hadn't run back home to a father who was hellbent on following the law. If she would've fled to Canada together with her lover. If she'd done any of that, she might not have been executed in such a horrific way. She was fifteen years old, and she should've known the consequences and not be so impulsive.

"She was trying to understand God. For fuck's sake Serena, she was trying to read the fucking bible." Her voice was getting louder and more frustrated.

"Don't use that language in front of my daughter," Serena snapped, but June wasn't about to stop.

"How are you going to keep her safe? How are you going to keep her safe?" June was close to yelling now, but her question was the same Serena had asked herself ever since Nichole was born. The baby let out a cry, but none of the women moved as June continued. "What are you going to do? Are you going to lock her up here like an orchid?"

Another cry and Serena knew she had to comfort her, but she needed to say something. Anything. "My daughter will be raised properly. She will understand the word of God and she will obey his word."

"She cannot read his word," she yelled back and Serena knew she was right. This had been her biggest loss since the founding of Gilead, especially since reading and writing had been her biggest passion and she did believe that learning how to do so was something everyone needed.

"Get out!" the woman yelled instead, really not wanting June to be the one to lecture her. She just couldn't stand the woman most of the time. The outburst was met by complete silence, except for Nichole's gurgling, but even she had stopped crying. June stared at her with those eyes, hate and some disappointment, as if Serena could do anything about this. The handmaid finally backed away, slowly, and her eyes still on the commander's wife as she stepped outside.

As soon as she was out of sight, Serena released the breath she'd been holding and looked down at the book, reading a few lines. Her eyes flickered to her daughter before they moved back to the page. She wanted her daughter to learn how to read this, and she wanted herself to be able to read this. Would Fred take her seriously if she suggested the women to be allowed to read again? Perhaps if she could get some of the other women to go with her, they could all present this to the council. Because how could they deny so many of their wives?

Serena managed to talk to Naomi and with her followed even more wives who also wanted their daughters to be able to read. They were going to present this for the commanders and this time Serena actually had a good feeling, like she was finally doing something good for her daughter. She would start with the reading, and after that they could voice other concerns they had. Her daughter would grow up in a better world and be able to read God's words for herself.

As she approached the stand she looked over at the commanders, feeling the nerves creep up on her. Some of the men almost looked amused while seeing her and she could hear some chuckles, but not what was said among the men. She swallowed hard before speaking, trying not to look directly at her husband whose eyes seemed to hold a warning. He didn't want her to embarrass him like this, he wanted her to be the perfect obedient wife. Though she loved the look on the commanders' faces when she announced that she wasn't the only one who wanted to propose this amendment. Turning her face toward the door, she watched the other wives, all twenty of them, enter and join her. This support made her slightly calmer, but she still felt like a nervous wreck standing there. She wasn't sure how this would go over with their husbands, but surely they couldn't deny this with the knowledge of how many of them wanted this.

But in their heads reading meant power and they did not want the wives and daughters to gain this power.

"As faithful servants it is our duty to ensure that the children of Gilead live by the laws of scripture," she began, trying to keep her voice as strong as it had been during her speeches pre-Gilead. "The holy scripture is a miracle. It is a gift given by him to all of humanity. We believe that our sons and daughters should be taught to read it." There. She'd said it. Her husband had been looking down the entire time, showing her just how embarrassed he was by her speech.

The room was silent for a second before Warren spoke. "That is a…" he seemed to search for the right word. "…radical proposal, Mrs. Waterford." Was that all he had to say?

"Offered with the deepest respect," she said, wanting them to at least consider this, even if she did not have any respect left for her husband. Fear wasn't the same as respect after all. "And the love that I have for my daughter and for all the daughters in Gilead."

Her husband finally spoke from the shadows, his darker eyes almost penetrating her soul. "Thank you. We will… certainly discuss the issue seriously."

The way he uttered those words made her doubt them entirely. She could already picture them lighting a cigar and laughing about their proposal, pretending to discuss the matter, but only because the wives wouldn't retaliate. They would say they'd talked everything over and decided that the words of God would be taught in schools and learned by heart instead of read from a book.

Her eyes stared back at her husband as he gestured for them to leave again, but she just couldn't leave things like this. She needed them to hear God's words, to show them what the bible really says. Slowly she reached over to a black package she had brought and started removing the fabric around it until Eden's bible was exposed. This made her more nervous than anything, but she knew they wouldn't consider this seriously. She knew she had to try harder for the sake of her daughter. Serena could hear the gasps from the wives' surrounding her because she hadn't let them in on this. If she had, they probably wouldn't have come with her.

"Serena…" Naomi whispered a warning, but Serena's head and heart was already in this game and she wasn't about to abandon it.

She opened the book on the page she had already bookmarked, her eyes meeting her husband's. Another warning. Another defiance.

"Don't…" someone whispered behind her, but she couldn't tell who as she began her reading of John 1:1.

"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God." She could hear how women pulled back and left the room and a part of her resented them for it, but the other part couldn't blame them. She was treading dangerous waters right now. "In him was life, and the life was the light of men. And the light shineth in the darkness." She closed the book and looked up at the commanders again, letting out a shaky breath. She had managed to get through the reading, but she could see how displeased her husband was with her actions. What could they do though? Put her on the wall, along with all the other wives? That would not look good on either them or Gilead. They had to take this seriously now after everything she'd done.

"Again, we will consider this proposal," Fred said, his jaw clenched. "You may all leave while we discuss the matter at hand."

Serena nodded and wrapped up her bible again, clutching it in her hand as she left the room together with the other women who seemed even more nervous than she felt. The adrenaline from reading something out loud again was cursing through her veins and she felt proud of herself for accomplishing something this big. They stopped outside in the hallway and a few wives was still standing with her, while some other seemed to be avoiding her, but none wanted to leave the building, still curious about the outcome.

"You shouldn't have done that," Naomi whispered, shaking her hands. She was at least glad that her closest friend hadn't left her side, even if she didn't agree on the methods used.

"Be bold and mighty forces will come to your aid," Serena said, a comforting smile reaching her lips. She wasn't sure Gerta agreed with her, as she shook her head and rubbed her forehead as if all this was giving her a headache.

They didn't get the chance to talk much longer as the doors opened and all attention was turned to her husband who approached them. He was alone and she was unsure what this meant for them.

"Ladies, bless you for coming in today. We appreciate the interest in our work. You've given us a lot to consider."

"So what is it that you're going to do?" Serena wondered, a slight hesitation in her voice.

Fred completely ignored her question and again addressed the other wives, holding out his hands. "Thank you again." The women were unsure of what to do for a second, looking at each other and at Serena, but knowing that Fred was dismissing them. They turned around and walked away, leaving Serena alone with her husband. The dismissal wasn't directed at her after all. No, he wanted to be alone with his wife. Fred walked a few steps forward, past Serena, so she could only see his back.

"What did the others say?" she tried to ask again, well aware of the desperation in her voice. But he was still quiet, his head moving slightly to the side. "Warren seemed open to the idea." That wasn't exactly true, but what else could she have said? Her husband was still silent and she swallowed hard as she approached him, trying a softer approach, touching his arm, wanting some kind of reaction. She managed to turn him to face her and looked into his eyes. "I did this for Nichole. I did it to set an example for our daughter."

"So you have," he finally spoke and she didn't even register at first that the doors opened from the other side of the hallway. Not until the words had sunken in and two pairs of heavy footsteps came closer.

Two heavily armed guardians grabbed her on either side, their strong hands firmly around her wrist and under her arms. She tried to struggle, to get away from them both, back to her vicious husband. Was this it? Was she going on the wall? Was she going to be traded for a younger, more obedient wife? Nichole would be left without a mother.

"No! Fred stop it," she tried to yell at him, furious that he would do this to her, but why was she even surprised. "Fred, please!" The guardians dragged her further away from him and she kept trying to break free, but her efforts were done in vain. They wouldn't let her go. "Fred, stop!" She could see him turn away as she screamed for him, louder and louder, panic rising within her. She just couldn't leave her daughter in this world. 'Dear God, please keep my daughter safe. Let June find the strength to take my daughter away from this world, away from my husband.' She needed to pray for them because this was the end for Serena. She hoped June would tell Nichole of her courage when she was older, but she doubted she would ever be anything to her baby girl ever again.

The men dragged her outside to a parked van and shoved her inside. She had stopped struggling by now, trying to accept this fate. If God was with her, she was going to be alright, even if this was her last hours on the earth. Weeks ago, death would've felt like a blessing actually, but since Nichole was born she knew she couldn't leave.

"Where are we going?" she tried to ask them and she wasn't surprised when they ignored her questions. Normally they moved prisoners in the back of black vans. Was she a prisoner now? "What is this?"

The guardians didn't even look at her as the car stopped and the back of the van was opened. The men dragged her outside of the van and she almost fell onto the ground, her legs folding underneath her. They had stopped in front of the hospital and Serena's eyebrows furrowed. Usually prisoners were brought to a cell, not a hospital. Her feet tried keeping up with them as they entered the building. It was eerily quiet in there and the only thing she could hear was her own breathing and her heartbeat drumming against her chest.

"Where's Fred? What are we doing here?" Of course she knew that this was all an order from her husband, another way of putting her in her place.

The woman was pulled into a room and one of the guardians dragged her over to a table, placing her hand flush against the steel surface.

"No…" she started protesting and tried to pull her hand back, finally realizing what was about to happen. "You can't do this to me!"

"Stay still, Mrs. Waterford," one of the guardians spoke for the first time since she'd been picked up.

The other man grabbed a sharp scalpel and placed it against her left pinky finger. Her scream echoed through the room as the blade pierced her skin, blood oozing out of the deep cut. Serena Joy closed her eyes hard as the man pushed deeper into her finger, touching the thin bone, breaking through the tissue and finally coming through on the other side, efficiently chopping the tip of the pinky off. The pain was like something she'd never felt before, and her finger wouldn't stop pulsating. She could feel bile rise in her throat and she turned her head to empty her stomach onto the floor, tears streaming down her face. Someone was still holding her hand but this time a doctor who was patching her up after the guardians' brutal punishment. No, her husband's brutal punishment. Serena tried to breathe again when she stopped retching, when there was no more to throw up. She let out a sob as she looked up again, her eyes finding the fingertip now detached from her body. The door opened and her husband stepped inside, making her wonder if he had been watching from outside the room the entire time.

"I can take it from here," he told the guards who immediately left the room. The doctor remained though and Serena was glad she didn't have to be alone with the cruel man. "Everything will be okay now." His hand moved up to stroke her hair, moving down to her back, and his gesture made her sobs lessen, but silent tears were still running down her cheeks.

"All done. I will give you this and you need to wash it three times a day to keep it from getting infected. The bandage will also need to be changed," the doctor ordered and gave her husband the bottle and bandage instead of her.

"Thank you, doctor," Fred nodded and lead Serena out of the hospital room.

At least she didn't end up on the wall. This was a small punishment considering what might've been, but Fred was the most powerful of the commanders, the one with most influence. He could've just made an excuse for her, convince the other men to spare Serena, that he would deal with her at home and make sure this type of action would not repeat itself. But this was also a message for her from Fred. The last straw of every time she had defied him these past few months.

They were not going to consider this law; they had already made up their minds. Without the ability to read the words of Gods, women would remain submissive and powerless.

**A/N I have no idea how the finger-chopping thing went so I improvised! I just know that they took her out of the building (or they went in that direction at least). This part of the show broke my heart and even though Serena has done a lot of awful stuff on the show, I felt really bad for her most of the time.**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N I am so sorry for this delay! I've had this chapter written for a while but haven't really be happy with any of it. I just want to get to that point where Mark enters the story more. And I've started a new job so I'm always tired at the end of the day. This chapter is from the season 2 finale. The fun part about this fanfic is to go into Serena's mind and write out what really happened during events that we didn't get to see.**

**I hope you enjoy this and that someone is actually reading. Let me know what you want to see more of.**

Chapter 5

His arms were around her shoulders as they walked from the car and up the few steps to the front door. He opened it for her and she stepped inside, her face down the entire time. She didn't want to look at her husband or at Rita or at June. There were no more tears, but she didn't doubt her face was blotchy and the eyes red from all the crying. The bun behind her head was no longer perfect, but she didn't care about that right now. All she could focus on was the pain in her left pinky, the one that wasn't there anymore. Serena had heard about phantom pains, where you could still feel pain in a missing limb as if it was still attached to your body. Would she always feel like that?

In Fred's mind, he had spared her. He could've gotten rid of another finger, a hand, or her, but instead he chose the most useless finger. Though she preferred a belt over this any day.

Commander Waterford exchanged a look with their handmaid before leading her up the stairs toward her bedroom, helping her to remove the cape as if he was a loving husband taking care of his wife. But they all knew he wasn't that person.

"Mrs. Waterford?" June's voice came behind her and Serena could hear the concern in her voice. How did the other woman still care after everything?

"We had a difficult day," came Fred's rough voice and Serena took a deep, quiet breath to calm herself down once more. She wanted him to leave. "But all will be well… from here on." His face had turned back to her and she could almost feel his breath touch her exposed ear. "You should lie down." His voice almost sounded sincere, but by now she had learned not to trust him. He didn't care about her wellbeing. The only thing he cared about was to put her back in her place, to keep her from gaining power and getting her voice back.

Serena walked slowly toward the bed, almost as if she was in a deep trance, the world around her not existing. Fred's slimy hands was on her until she finally sat down on the edge of the bed and she heard the sound of her wedding ring touching the granite surface. Their marriage was definitely over after this. She might not be able to leave, but she wasn't his wife anymore.

"I'll get you some tea," he said, softly, touching her shoulder. She refused to look at him, though. Only when his steps were moving away from her did she dare glance up at him, before flickering down again.

As his heavy steps moved down the stairs, June's lighter ones came forward. Glancing up, she saw the other woman closing the doors behind her before she made her way closer to Serena.

"What happened?" she almost whispered, glancing down to the bandaged hand. "Serena…" Her eyes flickered up to the handmaid momentarily, considering if she should tell June what was going on. But she needed her to know that she'd done everything she could, that she no longer had a voice, that she was a victim just like June. Though perhaps not as bad. And not as strong.

The woman looked down to her hand and slowly started to peel off the bandage in complete silence. It was as if both of them were holding their breaths as they waited to see what was underneath the white cloth. Serena hadn't dared to look back at the hospital after all. The patch of blood on the side of the bandage got bigger the more she pulled off and when her hand finally was visible she let out a breath, asking herself if what she was seeing was right or if this was just all a terrible nightmare. She held up the hand for June to get a clearer view and she could tell the other woman was just as horrified as she was. Tears were threatening to spill again and she swallowed the lump away to be able to speak.

"I tried…" was all she managed to say. Her voice tried to get out more words, but nothing came.

June approached her and the bed shifted slightly as she sat down next to Serena. There was a silence in the room, except for Serena's breathing, and she was happy that she wasn't left alone right now. June's hand covered her own and she closed her eyes, letting fresh tears run down her cheeks and fall onto her teal colored dress.

"Serena…" June hesitated for a moment, turning her head toward Serena. "What really happened in Canada?"

Serena looked up at June, seeing a knowing look on her face. Did she know? A thought struck her which she hadn't even considered before. "Luke said something." It wasn't a question. Nor was it an accusation. But it did make sense. Luke had been around, not in the room, but just outside of those walls and Serena had sobbed and whimpered. She hadn't been loud, but loud enough for a trained ear to hear.

"He might've mentioned something," June spoke quietly and squeezed the hand again. How could the woman be sympathetic toward her when she had been a part of her husband raping the handmaid repeatedly, once a month. She almost sounded angry, as if she was seething inside, for Serena's sake. "I'll go get you your tea."

Serena nodded and felt the bed shift again as her handmaid, no her friend, stood up again, walking toward the door. "Thank you," she whispered, hating how weak her voice sounded.

As soon as the handmaid had left the room, the blonde woman put the bandage back, not as well as the doctor had, but she would have to change it later that evening anyways. Crawling under the covers, her head hit the pillow and she closed her eyes, letting out a sigh. She would rest just a little while, until June brought her tea back, and maybe the woman could help her with the bandage too.

Serena awoke with a start as she felt a rough hand brush away a strand of hair from her face. She must've dozed off for a few minutes and when her eyes found their focus again, she saw her husband by the side of the bed, a tray of tea on the nightstand. Wasn't June bringing this up to her? Where did she go?

"I brought you some tea," he told her and the softness in his voice made her nauseated. As if everything he'd done to her could be erased with some tea and soft words. It didn't work like that.

"Thank you," she still said as she sat up slowly and reached over for the cup of tea. She took a small sip, careful not to burn her tongue on the hot liquid.

"I have some work to do. I'll be in my office if you need me." He leaned forward and placed a kiss on her forehead before standing up and leaving the room. The gesture almost reminded her of the old husband who she used to know, who always had her back and who loved her more than anything, and wouldn't let anyone hurt her. That man was gone now. Replaced by a power-hungry stranger.

Finishing the tea felt like an impossible task right now, everything just seemed to make her sick, so she put the cup back down on the tray. With a sigh she threw the covers off her body and stepped out of the bed. She tiptoed over to her closet and grabbed a black cardigan, putting it on. Black was always a welcomed color since it was something different than the teal she always had to wear. She wasn't sure why she felt the need to be quiet as she exited her bedroom; she wasn't a prisoner. Perhaps she just didn't want to catch Fred's attention and have him hovering over her or whatever fit the part he had decided to play tonight. Serena needed something to take her mind off things, she needed to keep herself busy. Wrapping her arms around her body to shield herself from the cold, she walked out of the house and hurried over to the greenhouse.

Some of the lilies needed to be planted in a bigger pot, she already knew and started to work on that. She cut off two and put them in a vase to bring inside later. One would look really good in Nichole's room and perhaps she would put one on the dining room table. Putting new soil in a bigger pot, she carefully dug out the lilies from the small one, making sure to not damage the roots. When the flower had been put in its new home, she filled the pot with more fertilizer. Happy with the work, she put a small amount of water to moisten the soil and put it in a corner where it wouldn't get too much sunlight. This process was repeated on the second lily, and then the third. As she was about to plant the fourth pot, something outside caught her attention. A shadow of red flying by. Furrowing her eyebrows, she opened the greenhouse to look outside and what she saw almost stopped her heart. June was taking Nichole.

"What are you doing?" she asked, even if the answer was obvious. Serena took a few steps forward and first now did she register the sound of sirens and the smell of smoke in the air. She really had been occupied with her garden.

"Serena…" June tried, her voice calm, but still a hint of desperation. She'd been caught after all.

"No, no, give me my baby," Serena hurried forward, holding out her arms, wanting her baby back, the only person in this world who made life worth living.

"Serena, listen… Listen to me!"

"Give me my child." She didn't want to listen right now. The only thing she wanted was her baby, but June didn't want to give her away.

"Listen to me, okay? Please…" June pleaded with her, but Serena shook her head and let out a 'no'. "I can get her out. I can get her out of here."

"No… No…" Tears started streaming down her face as she realized that June wouldn't give up that easily and Serena knew the other woman was right.

"She cannot grow up here. She cannot grow up in this place." Serena shook her head, her red eyes focused on the baby in the other woman's arms. "Listen to me… You know she can't. I know that you love her so much. I do. I've seen it. You can do it."

Again she shook her head, swallowing down tears to be able to speak. "No, I can't," she cried, trying to imagine what life would be like if she lost her daughter. How would she go on in this world?

"Yes, you can," June argued. "Please… I know how much you love her."

Everything she said was true. Serena loved Nichole more than anything and everything she'd done today was for her, to give her daughter a better life. But none of it had worked. The commanders wouldn't allow them to read, she would still have to marry at fifteen, she would live with the risk of getting beaten, raped, punished in other ways, or even killed. That wasn't the life she wanted for her child. She wanted Nichole to be safe and never live in fear. She wanted her to have a life filled with coconuts. So there was just one way to give her all that. June could save her. Then later, Serena would find a way to get there too.

"Let me have her so I can say goodbye," she finally said, sniffling slightly. June agreed to hand the girl over and Serena held her close to her body, looking down at her face. She wasn't sure what to say to her daughter so she started to pray. Pray for her to be safe and for her to make it, for God to watch over her and grant her peace. Her heart broke into a million pieces as she handed Nichole back to June and watched her climb up on a platform where a Martha waited in the shadows.

"Blessings on you, Serena," June whispered before she left and Serena let out a sob, realizing that she wouldn't get to see her sweet, sweet Nichole again any time soon. Wiping her face with her sleeve, she turned around and walked slowly toward the house again. She briefly wondered who had lit the fire and if that was a part of getting her daughter out of there, and how many other babies were taken away right now.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N I'm so sorry for the delay, I've just haven't been happy with anything I've written lately! Someone reminded me to update today though so I had to get over it. I hope you enjoy it! We've finally reached season 3!**

Chapter 6

There was a hole in her. She had lost everything this month and she wasn't sure how to go on. She rested her head against the hard surface of the fire place, her breathing heavy as memories of June walking away with Nichole replayed over and over in her mind. Staring straight ahead her eyes focused on the left hand and suddenly she stood up straight. There was an urge to show her husband just how much she had done for HER daughter, she couldn't see Nichole as Fred's, and how a chopped off finger wouldn't change that. In fact, she had needed to protect her from Fred most of all. He didn't really care about her, he only cared about the power. She needed to tell him what she'd done. Perhaps she just wanted to punish him for everything he'd done. If only he would've listened to her ideas, maybe this wouldn't have happened. Losing a finger had been the last straw for her after all. Now her husband would have to live with the knowledge of his wife betraying him and taking her daughter away from him.

Numbly, Serena walked up the stairs, her feet dragging on the floor, a hand tracing the railing. Nick was standing in the hallway, gun in hand, keeping the commander safe in the room and giving June the opportunity to run. He was attempting to block her as she got closer, but she ignored him and slid past. If she would've had the time she would've stopped to give in a long hug to thank him for helping June and her daughter. Slowly, she entered the room, locking eyes with her husband.

"Serena, praised be!" He was in front of her in one stride and put his hand on her shoulder. "Everyone has lost their minds. Go to my office, call 911." Serena only stared at him and he turned his attention to the man behind her. "Let her pass son, this has gone far enough." Fred had almost started to panic and that part made her just a little more satisfied.

"We should give her more time… to get away," Serena said, staring straight into his eyes. She was already a mess, her eyes red and her face blotchy from all the crying, had her face been any other way this past month? Her heart broke the moment she gave her daughter to June, but she knew she could trust the other woman, probably more than anyone else in this world they'd found themselves in.

There was a moment of silence as he took in the realization of what she'd done. "What did you do?" He finally asked her and she could tell he was already boiling inside.

She swallowed hard, not wanting to break down again, but she could feel tears threatening to fall. "I did what was best for _my_ child," she said, really enunciating the word 'my', but if he noticed he didn't get a chance to comment on it.

Instead she turned around and walked straight out of that room, leaving him alone with his thoughts. As she descended the stairs she released a shaky breath and shook her head in disbelief. She couldn't believe she had said that to him.

Serena sat down by a window and stared at the commotion outside, wondering where her daughter was right now. It was cold outside. Her daughter did have a blanket, but was she warm enough? She trusted that June would keep her warm though, this was her biological daughter after all and she loved her almost as much as Serena did. If Serena could get to Hannah she would repay the favor and bring her to Canada where she could reunite with Nichole.

There was a presence behind her and she could hear the flick of a lighter, and smell the smoke from a cigarette. The cigarette was held in front of her and she was looking at it a couple of moments before deciding to accept the offer.

"Praised be," Nick said and she knew he was thanking her for helping June, for going against her husband.

She hadn't stopped to consider the consequences for this betrayal. Would Fred turn her in? That would look bad on him too and he would also risk the wall probably. Maybe another punishment like the one in his office? Though whatever the punishment might be, it would've been worth it. The look on his face was priceless and she wished she could've stayed to see it again. As long as Nichole was safe with June in Canada, anything would be fine.

Nick left her alone again, no other words were exchanged. With a sigh she put the cigarette between her lips and took a long drag. The last time she was offered a cigarette she had declined because she was about to become a mother, but she was getting closer to accepting Mark Tuello's second offer. If only she could contact him in some way or make another trip. Though Canada had made it clear that they didn't want to make a deal with Gilead. She was a smart woman so she would have to figure something out.

—

When June came back sans Nichole, Serena was furious. Apparently Ofjoseph had been left with her daughter. The woman who had just hours ago attempted to kill Aunt Lydia, understandably so, but she was still a murderer and not to be trusted with her child. She had trusted June to protect her from the cold and from anything that could harm the little girl. Fred had also been furious, but not because Nichole was gone and possibly being harmed. No, he was more worried about people finding out the truth and what would happen if they did.

Serena sat in front of the mirror in her bedroom, cleaning her stump, just like the doctor ordered. She inhaled sharply as the disinfectant touched her stitched up finger and she closed her eyes through the pain. Her husband's footsteps approached her and she looked up at him through the reflection of the mirror.

"Are you okay?" He asked her as if he cared about her. Usually that question wouldn't tick her off, but this was all his fault.

"I need to keep it clean," she said through clenched teeth, her face hard.

"It'll heal quickly, I'm sure," he told her and any other day her heart would've melted at the concern in his voice. "I'm heading to the office. Will you be alright?"

"Yes." Her answer was short. In fact, she would prefer it if he went away for a little while.

"They've put Hansen in charge of Nichole's kidnapping," he told her, probably to make her feel hopeful that they would get her back, but as much as Serena wanted her daughter back, she wanted the baby to be safe in Canada. Though, now that Ofjoseph was in charge of her, she wasn't sure if Nichole would ever make it across the border.

"You'll tell them what happened?"

"Ofjoseph attacked Aunt Lydia and took Nichole and ran. You and Offred tried to stop her, as any mother would. It's the only way to keep you off the wall." And so Fred had come up with a solution. Why Ofjoseph would decide to kidnap Nichole of all babies didn't make any sense, but people wouldn't question Fred. Especially not after having his own wife's finger chopped off.

"You don't need to protect me," she said and held the soaked cloth against her stump.

"I am… protecting this house. God has made me master of an incredible woman." Master? That was not how this started. In the beginning they were equals, she'd had the louder voice and he relied on her. But then she was shot and everything started to change.

"I sent her away, Fred. It was my choice."

"I drove you to desperation. I'll fix this. Things will be normal again Serena. Back to the way they were. I promise." He'd said those words after what happened in Canada too and things hadn't gone back to normal. Things had been even worse than before.

The commander stood up after those words and left the room, allowing Serena to breathe normal again. He wouldn't punish her after all. Numbly, she stood up and walked to her closet, picking out one of the many teal dresses. She put the piece of clothing on a chair as she slowly put on her stockings. Picking up the dress again, she glanced at her reflection in the mirror before stepping into the thick fabric that always hung so heavy on her body. To the best of her ability she zipped up the dress and arranged the ribbon around her waist. Her hands moved on top of her head to rearrange the bun to make herself look presentable, for the first time since her speech to the council. Lastly, she shoved her feet into a pair of black pumps. When she was done she stared at her reflection in the mirror, hating what she saw. She loathed the teal color, hated the tight bun, her nylon stockings, the high heels that made her feet ache. Letting out a soft breath she leaned her head against the mirror, closing her eyes. She just couldn't live like this anymore. She wanted to leave him. That never happened, though, unless someone died or suddenly became an unwoman. A wife just didn't leave a commander like that, but she hated this house more than anything.

Opening her eyes again, she backed away from the mirror and returned to her dressing table, grabbing the disinfectant tightly. This house wasn't the same without Nichole's laughter, or since Fred came home from the hospital after the explosion, more furious than ever. She stood over her king-sized bed and slowly tilted the bottle, pouring the flammable liquid onto the soft surface. Her eyes followed the thick stream of disinfectant and when the bottle was empty she retrieved the same matches Mark Tuello had given her. There was only one left and she lit it with one stroke before throwing the match onto the bed, watching as it quickly caught on fire. The flames soon spread to the curtains and a thick layer of smoke travelled to the ceiling. Serena didn't move an inch, though, as she watched the flames engulf the room.

She knew she should run and get out of the house before the flames or smoke took her too, but she was frozen in place. Serena found she didn't even care what happened to her right now. This hellhole needed to burn to the ground. She hated what it represented and the man running the household, the person with too much power. This was the only way to leave him on her own terms.

Somewhere in the back of her mind she heard her name being called through the crackling of the flames. She decided not to listen to the voice and instead kept staring into the warm center of the fire that would soon claim her.

"Serena…" the voice came again and she turned her head toward it, recognizing June through the smoke. "Serena!"

This time she startled and blinked. June reached out a hand to Serena, wanting her to come with her, to save her from the fire. It took a moment, staring at June's hand before she agreed to take it and follow her outside. Serena didn't know when the firemen had arrived because she could've sworn she never heard the sirens. Someone put a blanket over her shoulders and started leading her to the car. As she watched her house on fire she didn't feel any remorse. The only thing she felt was relief.

—

Her mother's house was believed to be the perfect sanctuary, a place where she wouldn't have to see Fred. Ever again. Though she should've expected her mother's disapproval of leaving one's husband. The older lady even arranged her friends to pray for Serena, as if their prayers would change Serena's mind.

Fred kept contacting her, asking her to come home, even if they didn't have a home to return to. What she really wanted was to find a way to Canada, but how could she do that? Perhaps the only way was to go back to Fred and work from there.

Serena was surprisingly happy when she got to see June again, probably her only friend and the only person who was actually looking out for her. Apparently she now lived with commander Lawrence, Ofjoseph's old commander. He was a much kinder man than Fred and definitely wouldn't take advantage of June. Eleanor and Joseph Lawrence didn't have children; their handmaids had never gotten pregnant. Serena wondered if they'd ever completed a ceremony since the first times when someone came to check on every couple. She doubted that. Joseph loved his wife more than anything, despite her mental health, and wouldn't want to hurt her like that, even if this now was the law.

June wanted Serena's help to take down Gilead and Serena wanted nothing more, but they would have to tread carefully. First June managed to talk Fred into giving Serena a place at the men's table, to give her back her voice. If he didn't, Serena wouldn't come back to him, she'd said. That's how she found herself among the commanders, talking about how to stop the resistance that she might now be a part of.

"The fires were just the beginning," her husband said, his voice hard. "A distraction to steal our baby. Do we know what they did when our house was on fire?"

Serena didn't know if he really believed someone else lit their house on fire, or if he was once again trying to protect her. Not because he loved her, but because that would look bad on their family.

"Ofjoseph was a very unstable woman," Serena spoke up and the room seemed to be filled with an uncomfortable silence. Her husband even had the decency to look displeased with her for speaking, as if her place at the table was just a symbolic gesture. "This might end with her."

After the talk with June, she needed to do anything she could to stop them from ending the resistance. Some of the commanders failed miserably to hide their amusement at her stupidity and she would have to agree that she sounded rather dumb.

"Don't be naive, dear," Fred said and shared a look with the other men. Serena wanted to punch that smug smile off his face. Off of all their faces. She clenched her fists tightly and took a deep breath. How could she be here if they were going to make fun of everything she said.

"I say we put more guardians on the streets. The handmaids and Marthas shouldn't go anywhere alone," Commander Putnam suggested.

"They already can't," Serena scoffed without thinking. She was known to speak her mind pre-Gilead and Fred should've anticipated that. Though he probably hoped he had broken her and taught her who was really in charge. Her husband's face betrayed everything he was feeling.

"As they shouldn't," Commander Putnam said. "We still need to tighten the security. If they can't talk to each other they can't plan anything."

"Don't you think that's a little too much?" Serena asked, almost in disbelief. Their lives were already hard enough and now they would make sure they couldn't talk to each other, not that they were really allowed to anyways. That's why they always walked in pairs, and no more. Their social life was non-existent.

If looks could kill, Serena would be dead right now. As per usual, her husband wasn't pleased with her and the other men were looking at him as if regretting allowing a wife to be present. Fred had probably thought she would sit there quietly and just listen, grateful to even be in their presence and find out about new laws before anyone else. He tried to fool her into believing she actually had a voice. But oh how wrong he was.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N Sorry for the long wait! I'm never satisfied with what I write. I hope you enjoy this! It moves away from the story a little.**

Chapter 7

She couldn't believe her eyes when she first saw the video. Her baby girl was alright and looked just as healthy as she had been when she was in Gilead. Though she had gotten so big. Tears gathered in her eyes and a feeling of relief came over her, mixed with longing. Before now she hadn't known if Nichole was even alive, but this picture proved it. The man with Nichole she recognized as June's husband, which meant that she was in good hands.

This might also give her a chance to meet up with Mark again, to get to Canada. Technically Nichole was theirs and therefore this was a kidnapping. Canada would have to talk to them in some way to sort this out, unless they wanted all forces of Gilead upon them. They had asked June to call Luke and arrange a meeting between Serena and Nichole. She agreed to do it, not that she had much of a choice, and Serena agreed to bring a package for Luke to return the favor. As the plane started descending she still couldn't fathom that within the hour she would be holding her baby girl again. Granted, she wouldn't get to bring her home or stay with her, but just seeing for herself that Nichole was okay was enough. Though, Serena was unsure of how she'd be able to say goodbye one more time. Mark stood waiting when she exited the aircraft and she took the hand he offered her.

"Before the meeting I need you to get into more comfortable clothes," Mark told her, and she knew that the other reason to change her outfit was to protect her from the Canadians.

"Of course," she said and followed him to the staff's dressing room.

Mark waited outside as she changed herself out of the hideous teal dress and grabbed a pair of jeans that looked so comfortable in comparison to what she had been wearing these last couple of years. Pre-Gilead she also chose to wear jeans and some sweater and it felt so good to feel the texture of the fabric in her hands as she put them on.

"Have you considered the offer I made you?" He asked through the door. "I was hoping that's why you wanted to come here… I mean, aside from seeing the kid."

"If I did agree, how do you suppose it'd work?" She wondered, halting slightly in her movements.

"Well, I could help you seek asylum in Canada, or wherever you'd want to go," he told her and she didn't doubt he would help her like that. She saw something in him that she hadn't seen in Fred since Gilead was created. "But I would need something in return."

Serena wasn't surprised about this since he'd asked for her story last time she was here. She finished putting the blouse on and opened the door to look at him. "What do you need?"

"We want your husband," he told her bluntly, not beating around the bush.

"My husband?" Serena repeated, staring into Mark's eyes.

"We think the first step to taking down Gilead is to arrest your husband. He's a powerful leader, and a war criminal," Mark explained and Serena still looked shocked and probably quite dumbfounded. "Did he do that to you?" Mark suddenly asked, nodding to the missing finger and she followed his gaze and quickly put her hand behind her back. Rita had made a sort of cast to cover the stump, appearing as if she still had five fingers, but Mark saw through that. "What happened?"

Serena hesitated for a moment, not knowing if she could open up to him. She liked the idea of her husband being locked up, even if she couldn't imagine how they would accomplish that or how to live a life without him. "I read the Bible," the words came out as a mumble, as if she was embarrassed to tell him, because in Gilead that was something to be embarrassed of.

The look crossing his face was one of fury. And not the same fury as Fred always had when she'd said something wrong, the one where she now knew would punish her somehow because he was so displeased with her. Mark's fury wasn't directed at her, she trusted him enough to be sure of that. She wasn't afraid of him for some reason. Sure, he was a big threat to Gilead, but as she'd realized, so was she. Even if she had helped to create their country. Everything had been lies though. Serena had thought she was the problem when they couldn't get pregnant, but after speaking to Mark the first time, she believed that might not be the case.

"I want to help you, Serena," he finally said, trying to calm his own anger. "You shouldn't have to live like that. Help me take him down." She looked down momentarily and looked up when he reached out his hand toward her, holding a cellphone that she was supposed to take. She hesitated before agreeing to take it, shoving it quickly into her bag as if someone in Gilead was witnessing this crime. "With this you can contact me anytime you want."

Serena let out a sigh and it was as if something inside of her dropped, some sort of relief of knowing that she wouldn't have to be alone anymore. She'd always have someone to talk to. And soon all of this would be over.

"Praised be," she said as a thank you and gave him a small and rare smile. She didn't smile much anymore and to be honest, this felt pretty good.

"Alright, I think it's time to get going. Luke is probably waiting," he said and she nodded, running a hand through her hair to fix any wild strands.

He was at the airport and she didn't miss the security around them as if she'd suddenly decide to steal back her baby. She didn't want that. She wanted this life for Nichole, where she could grow up as a healthy little girl and have a normal childhood. Serena didn't blame Luke for the attitude he held against her, even if she wished he could just be civil for Nichole's sake. Serena was after all part of the reason she'd gotten there, even if she hadn't made any of the plans.

All she wanted right now was to hold her baby, to smell the hair and feel her small hand in hers, but Luke seemed reluctant to let Nichole go, especially to Serena. Serena didn't think of herself as an evil person. Sure, she'd done a lot of things she wished she could take back, but she wasn't evil. Though, Luke treated her like she was the very source of all evil itself.

Serena didn't care that Luke was spitting venom at her, as long as she was holding Nichole. A smile grew on her face when her daughter was in her arms again and she could barely hear anything Luke said anymore. She was just happy. Nichole had gotten so big since the last time she saw her and Serena promised herself she wouldn't miss too much of her growing up.

Though, the rational side told her that she wouldn't get to keep Nichole, that she'd be June's in the end and that Serena would get visitation rights every other week at best. Mark had said that if she was free she could get her own child, one that grew inside of her instead of a surrogate. In Serena's world that seemed so farfetched, like was that even possible? What if she could get pregnant? Nichole was her world right now and she wasn't sure she would be able to let her baby go in exchange for another. She would love both of them equally.

But she still wanted this more than anything. How she had envied June when she was pregnant, feeling the baby kick inside and the little peanut growing. That might happen for her too. A thought about Mark being the possible father entered her head and a blush bloomed across her face, forcing her to go back to reality and the girl in her lap. The fact that she managed to even have some kind of conversation with Luke was beyond her. Of course she wished he wasn't there to fill her head with self-doubt.

But he had all the rights to do so after everything she'd done to his wife.

"You should know that I protected your wife," she blurted out, needing him to believe she was trying to do better, but that only caused him to worry even more about June and she instantly regretted saying anything.

"It's time," Mark interrupted them like the lifesaver he was. She glanced to the beautiful man and then back to her friend's husband, her face screaming apologies.

Before she left she managed to slip him the tape recorder June had handed to her, probably the only reason she had helped set up this meeting. This trip had worked exactly like she'd wanted it too and she couldn't be happier, even if the meeting with Luke hadn't gone down very well. Soon her miserable life would come to an end and her husband would pay the prize. Most people would probably argue that she deserved the same fate as her husband, and maybe they were right, but she hadn't enjoyed doing any of it. She had just told herself that this was necessary for her to get her baby. The ceremonies, the rapes, wasn't what she had envisioned when the creation of Gilead started. When she talked about women needing to step up as surrogates, she had imagined insemination. Never like this. The ceremonies was the men's perverted idea. She was also uncomfortable, not as much as the handmaids, and people wanted her to resist, to refuse the ceremony, but what would happen then? She would be put on the wall and Fred would marry some fifteen years old girl and they would just keep going.

When she landed Fred was there to pick her up and she had to force herself to play nice with him, to put on a facade of that perfect wife everyone expected her to be. He'd treated her differently, though, since she came back after their house burned down, or tried to. There was still the fact that he kept belittling her during the council meetings, but other than that he was trying to get on her good side. So much that he told her he'd do anything to get their baby back, and since he knew she was the one who sent Nichole away, she kept telling him that this meeting changed her. And it had. Just not in the way her husband believed. To him their quest to get Nichole back would start today, but for her this was a quest to put the last nails into his coffin.

That's what she needed to tell Mark about later that day, when she was finally left alone in her room since Fred needed to make arrangements for a broadcasting he had planned. That was how they'd reach out to Canada. She knew June would hate her for this, but she didn't know if she should let her in on the secret yet. Serena knew she could trust the other woman, but for some reason she was worried Fred would notice something off with their behavior toward each other.

Her hand was a little shaky as she picked up the cell phone Mark had gotten for her, with one single number on. She was on her knees by her bed, her elbows on the covers, as she pressed his number and put it to her ear. Swallowing hard, trying to erase her nervousness, she waited for someone to pick up. She couldn't remember when she'd used a cellphone last.

"Serena?" His surprised voice sounded after the third signal, and suddenly she had no idea why she was even calling him. "Hello?"

"Hello," she finally said, feeling incredibly awkward in a way she'd never felt before.

He was quiet for a moment, expecting her to continue, but she had no idea where to start. Just being in that house again had all kinds of emotions overwhelming her. "Is everything alright?" He wondered, concern evident in his voice.

"Yes… Yes," she said two times, glancing behind her quickly before continuing. "Fred wants to get Nichole back."

A moment of silence, of taking in her words, before he answered. "And how is he going to do that?"

"They're planning a broadcasting tonight to plead that you, I mean Canada, give her back to us," she told him, her voice nearly a whisper. "I think he's trying to make it up to me after the finger incident and the fire so I won't leave him."

"As if you have a choice," he scoffed and she could hear the anger building up in him.

"I almost did. After I set the house on fire I went to my mother's house by the coast and refused to go home, no matter how many times Fred called."

"You set the house on fire?" She hadn't realized her slip-up, but there was no accusation in his voice, only admiration.

She was silent for a few moments, not knowing how much she could share with him, but her guts told her he wouldn't use this against her, not like Fred would. "I just couldn't do it anymore," she said with a shrug. "I knew I couldn't just leave him… Wives can't just leave their husbands. I was preparing to burn that day, knowing Nichole would be safe and all, but June saved me."

"I'm sorry, Serena. I know that doesn't make anything better, but I want you to know that I am. And I want to get you out of there before anything else happens, before you lose another finger."

His words did make things better. They didn't change what happened with her husband and what was going on inside their walls, but she was filled with a hope she hadn't felt in so long and just knowing that someone cared enough to say they were sorry, made her feel loved. That's another feeling she hadn't had in a long time, one that she had missed.

"I think Fred is worried it'll happen again. He's being unusually kind to me and pretends to want to hear my voice, but I can tell it's not real."

"So what happened? Why did you go back to him?" He wondered and it was a question she had expected from him, especially when she had almost succeeded in leaving him.

"Well, my mother wasn't happy of course," she said and rolled her eyes as if he could see her. "She wanted me to go back since I would be an embarrassment otherwise." He hummed in agreement, not because he thought so too, but because he knew that it just didn't happen in their world. She checked behind her, paranoid that someone would be listening in before she spoke even quieter. "June wanted me to help her. She even got me a place at the council's…"

There was a knock on the door and Serena quickly put her phone under the pillows and put her hands together. The door opened without an invitation and without even turning around she knew the visitor was her husband.

"I thought I heard something," he said, his dark voice almost echoing through her chamber. She turned around slightly and saw him searching through the room.

"I was praying," she told him and it looked like he believed her because the truth would be so farfetched that not even Serena would've believed it if the story was being told to her.

"Nick is waiting for us," he said instead. "We're leaving."

Serena glanced toward the pillow where her most recent sin lay, before slowly standing up. She felt bad not saying goodbye to Mark, but she couldn't do anything about that now. Instead she turned toward Fred and ran a hand over her hair, checking to make sure her bun was still perfect. Fred offered her his hand and she reluctantly accepted it, following him outside. It was showtime.


End file.
